Been having this nugging feeling that something hasn't been right nowadays. During my conversation with Cheryl today, I began to have an inkling of what it is about.
Even though everyone has their erratic moments, my innate self sways from one extreme to another at times quite frequently. Fearful of how people will judge me by that and how I had been rejected before when I showed that side to someone whom I thought can handle it, I began to repress that side of me, to control. The restraint seems to be breaking, and emotions have become more volatile and I'm more vulnerable and sensitive.
Guess few people have really seen that side of me and accept it. I thank them, and you know who you are. =) Being able to see through that laughing facade and ask whether I'm ok. Being patient enough to listen me through, to stand by my side even though I can really be a pain on the ass.
Remember Yingzheng once mentioned on my friendster testimonial that I'm not an easy person to understand. Guess that's the tricky part. This facade I've built up for so long has made people assume that I'm so easily readable. And it scares the hell out of them when they realise they don't understand me at all. I'm scared too, being judged as weird when all I want is to show them my real self, because they are special to me.
Xiuli, the one who laughs when she's depressed, who sings her heart out when she's unhappy. Who is constantly insecure, and the more she appears to be confident, the more she requires assurance. The volatility lying beneath that smiling face, have you looked closely enough to see it?
Even a pet is like that at times, and the owner will placate it without pulling away. You know what I mean? If you don't think you can accept it, don't come near me, I don't want to hurt you and don't hurt me either.
Even though everyone has their erratic moments, my innate self sways from one extreme to another at times quite frequently. Fearful of how people will judge me by that and how I had been rejected before when I showed that side to someone whom I thought can handle it, I began to repress that side of me, to control. The restraint seems to be breaking, and emotions have become more volatile and I'm more vulnerable and sensitive.
Guess few people have really seen that side of me and accept it. I thank them, and you know who you are. =) Being able to see through that laughing facade and ask whether I'm ok. Being patient enough to listen me through, to stand by my side even though I can really be a pain on the ass.
Remember Yingzheng once mentioned on my friendster testimonial that I'm not an easy person to understand. Guess that's the tricky part. This facade I've built up for so long has made people assume that I'm so easily readable. And it scares the hell out of them when they realise they don't understand me at all. I'm scared too, being judged as weird when all I want is to show them my real self, because they are special to me.
Xiuli, the one who laughs when she's depressed, who sings her heart out when she's unhappy. Who is constantly insecure, and the more she appears to be confident, the more she requires assurance. The volatility lying beneath that smiling face, have you looked closely enough to see it?
Even a pet is like that at times, and the owner will placate it without pulling away. You know what I mean? If you don't think you can accept it, don't come near me, I don't want to hurt you and don't hurt me either.
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