Been a while since I have an evening to myself and suddenly I don't know what to do with the extra time. Conveniently took out my phone and started looking down the list of friends I have on Facebook, prying into their photos, and checking them out to see what's new in their lives.
Some put on weight, some lost, one got married and I didn't even realise. Then I noticed there are some "friends" on the list I would look and feel that I have to be having a better life than they are having - where in fact, they can't even be bothered whether I have kids or I have turned lesbian. For the girls, I wondered if they broke up with their boyfriends. For the guys, I wondered if I look better than their girlfriends. Then again so what if that's the case? It won't make a difference to my life.
Believing in Christ supposedly allows me to surrender such unhealthy thoughts to the Him and hopefully start the healing process. But it requires surrender in the first place. Only when I started this evening, then did I realise I didn't surrender, I merely escaped.
I felt absolutely evil to harbour such thoughts on these people, but I can't deny the thought of living better than them thrilled me. And I can't explain why - it's not that they intentionally hurt or bullied me. Furthermore, I know my self-worth is not determined by them, yet I am allowing them to affect me.
Dear Lord, sorry for the evilness I'm allowing into reside in my life. Please remind me my sustenance is based on You and not them. Close ones and loved ones may affect me, but please don't allow the ghosts of the past continue to haunt me. Amen.
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