Everytime I try to dissect my current state of life, nothing's seemingly wrong with it. I have a car without a car loan I have to service, a very comfortable shelter that I don't have to pay for, investments that bring in money that I don't have to worry about, a job with the freedom of time to do what I want to do. It is the life that everyone hopes to have, isn't it?
But whenever I tell others and myself that this is a life that everyone dreams of, my heart sinks heavier. Life's too good without a purpose. Purposes can be created, but they have to be felt with passion too. What good is a purpose if you can't find any passion for it? Passion to make my restaurant work, passion to bring salvation to my family - lacking the noble passion to get anything going. And I feel burdened because of the imperfections in life that seem impossible to overcome. Very disillusioned by what is absolute and what is relative. What is right and what is wrong. It feels like I cannot move on if I don't reconcile this point in my life. The poison ivy that is camouflaging amongst the roses in my life is killing me.
I feel that I'm slowly dying away;my insides rotting away; God wouldn't want me in His kingdom for I'm such a failure in everything I do. I don't have any talents, even if He has given me some, I'm not using them and I'm wasting away. How pathetic.
I know the model answers to these problems; trust me I do. It's painful to hear them because they don't work on me. Maybe I should just fade away...
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2 comments:
Well, let's do something more meaningful in the year to come... 2011.. set some goals for ourselves to achieve... we can do this together... then maybe u wun feel so alone... at least if u cant enter the kingdom, u have someone to accompany u... sometimes it's not because u dun wanna use ur talents.. maybe it's just not time yet... take heart coz God has a plan... maybe a bigger one that we never can imagine... eat, love and pray... wahah.. be happy always..
Ya ya, like finally starting on our sign language class. Sure...
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